ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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