Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
