Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
