make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
