Swine flu. Run for my life!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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