i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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