I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
