I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
