I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
