no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
