Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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