i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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