i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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