Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
