Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
