So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
