If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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