I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
