I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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