I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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