Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
