Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
