ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
