I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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