well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
