i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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