He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
