Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
