I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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