her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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