it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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