I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
