Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
