ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
