stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
