I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
