who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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