Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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