i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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