Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
