Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
