Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My ass is underappreciated
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
