This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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