Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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