seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
