I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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