Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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