I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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