the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
