This girl is more easily done than said...
Four minutes until I can fart!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
