This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
